I think women have every right to as many rude and tasteless phrases to describe masturbation as men have. With this in mind, I've started a list of phrases for women to use on their nights out...or when your roommate walks in and wants to know why you have only one dishpan hand.

The list started with Eric's list for men, and I just started adding to it in my spare moments. Of course, I have relatively little first-hand experience in this aspect. Suggestions welcome!

We have a suggestion today from Robert, who wants to credit Joy for it. Robert included one of the nicest tributes to a woman I've seen:

Do credit Joy. She deserves every good thing and acknowledgement. She taught me how to live with a woman (put the seat down and last one up makes the bed) and how to give good sleep.

• A night in with the girls, air the orchid, audition the finger puppets.
• Beat off, beat around the bush (thanks, Joy!), buff the beaver.
• Caress the clitoris, clean your fingers, come into your own, couch hockey for one, cunt cuddling.
• Diddle, do handiwork, do the one-finger hokey-pokey, douse the digits, drown the man in the boat.
• Engage in safe sex, erase the problem ('cause you rub 'til it comes off...).
• Fan the fur, feed the bearded clam, fingerpainting, fist f**k, frig.
• Genital stimulation via phalangetic motion, gentle the genitalia, get a date with Slick Mittens, get a fat lip, get a lube job, get to know yourself, grab the goatee, grease the dildo (or cucumber, if you're feeling vegetarian), grease your hips, grope the grotto.
• Have it off, have sex with someone you love, hitchhike to heaven, hitchhike under the big top.
• Jack off, jazz yourself, jerk off, jill off.
• Leglock the pillow, let your fingers do the walking, lubricate the labia.
• Manual override, man overboard.
• Pet the pussy, play Hello Kitty (another reader suggestion!), play the clitar (and thanks to my favourite flight attendant for that one).
• Read Braille, ride slidesaddle, ride the unicycle, ride the tubspout, row the little man in the boat, rub off, rub one out.
• Self abuse, shuck the oyster, silk abuse, slick abuse, solo sex, squeeze the pillow, stinky pinky, stir the yogurt, stoke it, stroke it, stroke off, stuff the taco, surf the Wet.
• Test the plumbing, the art of unisex, the virgin's release, thumb the button, tickle my fancy, toss off.
• Visit Father Fingers.
• Wank, wash your fingers, water the hot spot, wax the carrot, wax the saddle.
• You're soaking in it.