An unfinished beginning by Jordan Shelbourne
I first heard about him a couple of years ago after an art class. I was taking the art class because I was bored and unhappy and because my husband, Len, felt we both needed to pursue interests of our own. Monday was my book club, Tuesday was the library, and Thursday was my art class.
There were five of us in the class with the teacher, all women, almost all in their thirties. Once class ended, two of the women scooted off because they had kids with sitters, and the other four of us -- Karen, Sharon, Dell, and me -- often went to a local coffee bar to chat. Karen taught the course, Sharon ran a small word-processing business, Dell was a nurse's aide.
This particular night, the conversation was particularly raunchy, I don't know why. We started with bras we have loved and bras we have hated -- the other three women are all much bigger than I am. From there, the conversation moved to penis size, small or big, and who had a preference. Not surprisingly, Dell liked them big and Karen admitted to having slept with a man just because she'd heard he had a really big cock. Sharon didn't care but she did say that the biggest man she'd ever slept with was also the best. He also loved going down on her.
"Oh, there's a man not to lose," said Karen.
"Sorry, I didn't marry him," said Sharon.
"Why don't men like to eat pussy?" asked Dell.
"Oooh, I hate that word," I said.
"You'd prefer cunt, gash or crack?"
"Hair pie," suggested Sharon. Everyone laughed.
"Not mine, honey," said Dell. "I shave." She giggled. "Well, Rob shaves me."
I was fascinated but I also felt a little left out. None of the four men I'd slept with had ever enjoyed going down on me, though they did want me to go down on them.
"Actually," said Dell, "I like going down on a man, especially if he's clean and uncut."
I was slow or something that night, so I asked, "Uncut?"
"Uncircumcised," explained Karen. "I don't really have a preference, but he's got to be clean."
"I used to ask them to shower with me first," said Dell. "Clears up all those nasty hygiene questions."
"I couldn't," I told them. "Soap dries out my skin."
"You have no sense of adventure, honey. Actually, talking of uncircumcised, how many of us here have slept with Tom?"
All three of the other women raised their hands and then burst into giggles.
"Tom?" I asked.
"Christiansen," said Karen. I shook my head. "I know him through the Little Theater." Karen often directed plays. "Not much to look at--"
"I think he's got a cute butt," said Dell.
"I didn't mean it in a bad way," said Karen. "My husband isn't much to look at, but he's tremendously sexy and I love him dearly."
"Tom," I said. I didn't want to hear about people who loved their husbands.
"Average looks," said Sharon. "But he's sweet and funny, and he has the biggest one I've ever seen."
"Second biggest," said Karen.
"In the top ten, anyway," said Dell.
"How many men have you slept with?" Sharon asked Dell.
"You know how many," she said, and we all chanted together: "More than three and less than a hundred."
That got Pietro the owner over to us and we ordered another round of coffees, with brandy in them this time. Pietro does it for Dell, who's in there a lot.
"But size doesn't matter so much," said Karen.
"Says you," said Dell.
"He's not even that great, technically," Karen went on. "I've slept with men who studied technique, and he's not in that class."
"Ooooh, yuck," said Dell. "Ever been in one of those bedroom duels, where you're both supposed to be brilliant in bed? Kind of takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?"
"I think it's a challenge," said Karen. "But I'm older now, I don't have so much to prove."
Sharon looked over to me and said, "When you listen to them, do you ever feel like you've played minor-league ball all your life?"
I nodded. "Why's Tom so good, then?"
Dell and Karen stopped bantering and Dell said, "He's fun in bed. He's not afraid to be silly and make you laugh. And he's not squeamish about anything."
Sharon said, "He's approachable. There were things I wanted to try and it was easy to ask him."
"Like what?" asked Dell.
"You're off topic," said Karen. "We're trying to decide if Emily should sleep with Tom."
"No, we're not," I said.
She ignored me. "I think it's because he's there for you. Does that makes any sense? He's supportive in whatever way you need that day."
"He sounds perfect."
Del laughed. "He's not. I like him, but I'd never marry him. I'd fuck him again, though."
"Me too," said Sharon. "He'd be my choice for a third if Ian ever wanted a threesome."
Karen said, "That's about right. Anybody have his current number? I heard he's moved." After a lot of searching through purses and address books, no one knew. They'd fallen out of touch, though Sharon gave me the name of the company he used to work for.
Two months after that, I discovered that my husband's other interest was named Gail, and I called Tom's office.